SLEEPDEPRIVEDMINDFUCKS

It's 1:30 am.

Jesus Christ.

I haven't slept in so goddamn long I've forgotten what sleep is. For me sleep is that magical thirty minutes I clock on the 211 bus every morning when Brian Eno comes on my iPod to lull me to sleep as I drule and drule and drule into an ever-expanding puddle of my own saliva. The people on the bus don't seem to mind. As I walk to class, it usually dries on my crotch as a giant disc of ominously disgusting crusty filth that seems to gross out all the West Island girls and their gentle sensibilities.

I often dream of entire rice castles spread across a vast expanding ice sheet of frozen soy sauce. Then, when the Al Gore Man's predictions come true, the soy will melt and all the people will cling to rice as flotation devices. It will be like Waterworld, only there will be no Kevin Costner, simply the guy that fries the egg rolls at the local Chinese joint that always seems to make money despite people never going there.

And, no, the movie will not be called Soyworld as many of you imagine (too obvious, I'm not low brow). It will be called Die Hard 5: McClane Gets Indigestion. There will be guns. There will be things blowing up. And there will be wonton. The wonton will want to kill McClane because the wonton is actually Hanz Gruber's illegitimate child. And he wants revenge for daddy's 400-foot slow-motion dive off the top of a giant building.

Slow motion makes it more fun. It can prolong that instance where the audience is like: "Fuck yeah, die Hans DIE!"

With fast motion it's like: "Yeaaa.ooh? What? It's over?" Roll credits.

But in slow motion it's like: "Word is born, guy, this shit is real. Look at that mother fall. Aww yea, gravity is making Hans his bitch and later, John and gravity will high-five each other for this team effort."

Go team McClane/Gravity. How dope would that be on a presidential ticket for 2012? The only way Obama could beat that is if he ditched Biden and made a new ticket: Obama/Momentum 2012.

And when it's all over McClane will make love to someone you know with brutal machismo and Bruce Willis will pocket another 20.5 million dollars which he will NEVER give to a charitable organization. Instead, he will use it to pay for plastic surgery in order to modify his facial muscles so that he can do multiple acting expressions instead of the constant, boring "I'll have sex with a machine gun and shit bullets into terrorists' chest cavities" face.

Only Merlin could help Bruce Willis win an Oscar, but only Bruce Willis can turn a douche bag smile into the most powerful weapon against German terrorism.