GETTING MY GRILLZ OFF

Every tool at the dentist's office goes "wheeeeeezzzzzgrrrrrrriiiiiiii!!!!!" like a bone saw. If dentist's made vibrators they'd sound like jet engines and they'd be shiny and scary. Dentists never prep you for the tool they're about to shove into your mouth. They never say: "what I'm going to do next is use a scary machine that's gonna sound 100 times worse than it actually is. All it really does is give you magical puppy kisses, so no worries, homes."

No, they don't do that. They just fire up the bone saw and tell you something like: "Now what I'm frighteningly holding in my hand, here, is a little spinning metal thing that's gonna do some stuff they taught me about in medical school (but that I've since forgotten). Hope you enjoy your skull vibrating for the next 45 minutes while I clock more hours on my paycheck."

But before all that, the dental hygienist removes your braces with a pair of pliers, which, needless to say, appears grisly and barbaric. It isn't painful, just brutal. They don't even disassemble the wires from the anchors, and what you end up with is a string of metal beads like a necklace. A necklace of pain. Four years of it. Four years of metal glued to my teeth and my orthodontist shook my hand when it was all over with. Thanks for the formality, but what I'd really like from you is a refund for 4 years worth of sex appeal that I never had. Can you do that mister dentist man?